Today is my birthday... I'm going to focus on being 42 years young..... the alternative is too depressing. It started well - three singing children and a basket full of presents....
Not sure what it says about me that I got a bottle of wine from my six year old! When Daddy asked her what she wanted to get me, she replied, "well, her favourite thing is wine!" She even knew which bottle I liked.... mmmm, must keep my tea-time musings to myself in future ("only 2 more hours till I can have my first sip!").
It got better...I took my beautiful girls out for lunch and I felt for once people were looking at me thinking, 'ah, isn't she lucky' as opposed to the usual looks of ' dear god, she has her hands full!' For once I felt like this parenting lark is a doddle. (Last week I was out in a cafe and Ruby was being her usual exhuberant self - a woman sitting with her perfectly behaved, perfectly quiet child said to me on the way out as I struggled to strap Ruby into her pram..."you must have done something really awful in a previous life to have got a child like that..!' I promise you, those were her words to me. The bitch. It made me love Ruby all the more.
This afternoon, hubby came home early and we all had birthday cake, played musical statues and lots of board games. Tonight hubby and I go out for dinner and tomorrow I hit the town with a big bunch of girlfriends. It's ok being 42. The world is not imploding, and my world is expanding.
I feel like I've passed some test. The last 6 years have been extraordinarily hard, and the last 2 unfeasibly difficult. I miss my mum every single day, especially on a day like today. She would have been the first to call, the most excited for me, and most probably would have been sitting on that bed this morning too. I spoke to her this morning but she couldn't understand it was my birthday. The pain still has the power to punch me. But, I took the girls to lunch where I always took her for her birthday... another reminder that a new cycle has begun, where I am the mother.
I am 42 years young, I have good days and bad. But the good days are great and the bad days fade in memory.